Oh hi! Sorry about the long absence, life has just been, well… life.
I have been spending any possible free time I have with my boys. Hiking, road tripping, playing, running, you name it, we’ve done it the last few weeks of summer. And now that school is back in session, I have found myself diving head first into getting some clients, teaching classes, and gearing up for Lose It. But things have gotten into a routine, and now I find myself longing for a place to write out some things… so here we are.
This last year has been a whirlwind of excitement, growth, and change. Lots and lots of change. And while I’m so grateful for all the change in my life, I realize that I’m not done yet. I have had so many amazing conversations with dear friends about what losing a lot of weight DOES to you. How your whole life changes, not just the way you look. And while that part of it is exciting, and fun (hello, new wardrobe), and feels amazing… there are other things that you HAVE to change in order to not lose what you’ve worked so hard to achieve.
For me, and this may not be true for everyone (and that’s okay), it was about MORE than just the weight. I was MISERABLE. I didn’t like the person that stood in the mirror and stared at me every single morning. It wasn’t just about physical appearance, although that part needed to change too, it was more about the person that was feeling TRAPPED under that girl. The person that was in there that wanted to come out, the confident, self loving, able to actually care about other people, true me. Change didn’t just happen on the outside, it happened inside as well.
But it doesn’t happen when you’re feeling comfortable. Which is why I think a lot of people struggle with this particular battle. In order to make changes, BIG changes, you have to become vulnerable. You have to strip away everything you put out into the world that’s fake, and be real. You have to examine WHY you need to make those changes, the things about yourself that you hide from other people, and from yourself. What about those things don’t you like? Why do you want to change them?
I’m very much a Type A personality. I need control over everything in my life, I want it my way and I want it now. I am loud, dominant, passionate, and driven. I am competitive, impatient, and aggressive at times (well, I’m always competitive). I talk fast, I am always on a schedule, and often have high levels of anxiety. I am also VERY self critical, and am never completely satisfied with the things I accomplish. Or at least I WAS all those things….
As my journey has gone on, I have found that a lot of what was holding me back from achieving the things I wanted to were my own expectations. I expected my body to things right away, I expected my emotions to be kept in check because this was something *I* wanted. I expected to win every. single. round. of. Lose. It. (NEWS FLASH: I didn’t). What I didn’t expect was that in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve, I had to give up control. I had to let someone else tell me everything was going to be okay, that I COULD do these things. I had to let someone else be in the driver’s seat for a little while. Not forever, but for long enough for me to feel confident that I COULD do it.
The same is true for me in the bigger picture of life as well. I have always had a really hard time believing that I WAS NOT in control of all the things going on around me. I’ve struggled most of my life with anxiety because I worry about what’s going to happen next, and whether or not I can control it. I have always believed that I make my own destiny, and my own path in life. And I still believe that to be true to a certain extent… but what if.
Faith is a interesting concept that has piqued my interest in the last year. The idea of God is an idea I am not unfamiliar with, but something I rejected for a LONG time. It has only been within the last year that I have found myself using the word “blessed” more than ever because I simply cannot come up with another way to describe what I feel. It’s a concept that I am dedicating the next year of my life exploring. I believe, in my heart, that most of what I rejected before was the fear of the idea that someone has more control than I do. And let me clarify that: I do not think that God sits up in heaven and plays us all like we are a giant video game. I will not be entertaining the idea that God is all controlling. That’s not what I mean.
What I mean is… what if there IS a plan for all of us? What IF our life’s work is already laid out before us, and we just have to decipher the map? What IF God really knows us all so individually that He created each of us for a purpose? Because I never would have gone on this journey had certain events in my life not happened the way they did. Events that I had NO control over. What I did was control the way I reacted to those events, which is free will at it’s finest, ladies and gents. And I truly believe I have found my purpose in this world. I don’t know how else I would have found it…
So. This is a scary thing for me to be doing. If you know my story AT ALL, or have read ANY of my past blog posts… you know how big this is. I am not saying that I am coming out the other side of this a super religious person, but I’m not saying I won’t either. What I’m saying is this: I am opening my heart and my mind to the possibility. And will take the next year of my life (starting today) to study, listen, learn, figure out what my own path is… because there are questions to be answered, and lessons to learn no matter what the outcome may be. I’m lucky to have people to walk this path with me, and who will answer my questions as I go along. I’m lucky to have friends who support me, no matter what I do. And family who goes “here she goes again… she’s makin things happen,” because they’ve been here before.
I will say that either way, I will come out the other side of this year different. And that’s never a bad thing. Because when you stop growing, when you stop learning, when you stop opening your heart up to new things (even those you may not agree with)… you stop living. I’m excited. I’m scared. But most of all, I’m eager to learn and to grow.
Also, I went to church twice in the last month and didn’t ignite into flames, so that’s a thing. (Don’t worry, I’m still funny)