You know, every morning Oliver walks down the stairs, turns right, and stands in front of your garden. Today, I almost broke down. We check on it every single morning.
” Let’s go see Grandpa’s Garden.”
“Okay, baby. Looks good, huh?”
“Yeah, Mom. It really does. You’d better water it today.”
You weren’t a flower guy. But you were a nature guy. That’s why I planted it. That’s why, every spring, I dig out the weeds and plant something new. To feel the dirt between my fingers. It somehow makes me feel connected to you. I wanted to take the boys fishing this year, but you know, Oliver just isn’t into it, and Archer just won’t stand still for it. Maybe he will next year? And maybe that will be our thing.
You wouldn’t believe how much they’ve grown. I’m such a proud Momma. They’re really special, and I wish you were here to ask about the weather, or school. Oliver talked to Grandma not that long ago, made her whole week.
I was going to call her today. I can’t do it. I want to, SO bad. But I just can’t do it. She’s not great, but she’s doing okay. I miss her, a lot. And I wish I could just go and spend some time with her. But she’s doing alright. You know how she can be. 😉
Gosh, there’s so much that’s different now. I’m not sure where to start. I’ve spent the last several months with my nose in some books. I have finally figured out what I’m supposed to do with my life. So, I’m doing it. Pretty soon I’ll be a certified personal trainer. Crazy, right? Yeah, I know. Who’d have thought?!
You know, losing you really kicked me in the gut. I mean, I’ve lost people before, but never someone this close to me. It’s been a wild, weird, crazy, emotional ride this last year. I’ve done some things that I never thought I would be able to do… and there’s more to come. I keep telling myself that you’d be so proud of all the changes I’ve made. And every time I get scared, which is more than I’d like to admit, I just think about you.
I miss you. Terribly. And most days, I’m really good at hiding it. This last week or so has been rough. But, I’ve gotten out of bed, showered, gotten my normal life stuff done, made it to the gym, and survived each day. As long as I can do my normal life stuff, I win. And I know I’ll make it through… you should see the support system I have. My goodness, they’re incredible people. I am so grateful for them.
I cannot believe it’s been a whole year. I miss you. I love you. I carry you with me, always.