My Hearth and Heart

Because my heart is always at home

Sometimes I Gotta Just Write It Out.

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I am STRUGGLING today.


Like, teary eyed, moody, pissed off, struggling. And for all accounts and purposes, it’s really ridiculous. At yet, here I am.


It started last night with a sick toddler. Up every few hours, coughing, and with that comes Mommy waking up. Because I’ve ended up sleeping through a coughing/throwing up fit in the middle of the night and felt like the World’s Best Mom the next day. So, I just wake up at every freaking sound of that possibly happening again. It’s amazing how much your sleep effects your whole day. I am tired today, and that’s pretty much what started the horrible day.


It then carried over to this morning; I’m tired, and cranky, and the seven, excuse me, EIGHT year old doesn’t want to be quiet so his sick brother can sleep in, and I have to keep reminding him that he should probably not jump around the house like a freaking 1,000 pound ape. After getting said almost teenager (okay, not really) off on the bus, I came home to a text message from my husband asking about some housewarming party. Long story short, go, fine, but remember I have a race the next day and we all have to be up early in the morning.


Then FaceSpace did it’s thing and reminded me that one year ago today I posted about how there was a lot going on in my extended family. Daryl’s Gma just had a stroke, and was recovering from it. There were questions about whether or not she ever would (fast forward: she’s doing AMAZING, and she’s been back home for a long time), and whether or not she would ever get to go home (see above). I also posted about Popeye’s neck surgery. The last one he would ever have (ugh). I knew that we were coming up on a year, I just didn’t realize it was so quickly.


That neck surgery was the beginning of the end for him. And I knew it. I remember saying to Daryl that I would be surprised if he made it through. He was under for a long time, and the surgery itself was successful (as far as we know). It was the recovery that became the problem. I was reminded this morning that one year ago today, my life would take a big downward spiral… and then somehow come out better. But things would never be the same.


My grandmother is doing okay. I haven’t talked about it because it’s really hard. And I try really hard to think about the positive things that are going on with her. A) She doesn’t have brain cancer like we originally thought she did. So that’s a plus. B) She’s able to talk to me, Daryl, and the boys on the phone and does so frequently. Which, most of the time, is awesome. C) She sounds like she’s doing okay. It’s hard to tell with her because she’s really good at putting on a show for a short period of time. But she’s not at home, and it’s very obvious that she’s not happy about that. And while I can understand that, she is where she needs to be, and she’s safe, and is being taken care of. And that is what matters. It’s hard to talk to her some days (mostly because she doesn’t have her hearing aids in, so she talks over you right after she asks you a question), but I’m SO thankful I still can. Because for a while… well… I won’t go there.


One of my best friends lost her grandmother this week. My heart aches for her and her family. Watching the people you love get old really sucks. Like, really sucks.


Today is just a weird, emotional, cranky kind of day. And like I said, it’s not really for a reason, other than I probably didn’t get enough sleep last night so I’m ill-equipped to handle the things that LIFE is throwing at me today. I feel like a child whose emotions are too big for her to handle. Like curling up in a ball and crying for a minute is my only option, or maybe throwing a temper tantrum. I don’t get to go to my Wednesday night VeloCross class due to Daryl being in a meeting until 5:00. What I wouldn’t give for a babysitter sometimes. That soured my mood, too. Like I said, it’s things that I normally would be able to handle that I’m just super emotional about today. And tomorrow I will go back through this post and laugh at myself for feeling like this. But today? Today may call for pizza, chocolate, and yoga. At least I get to go to yoga.


Yoga always makes things better.



Author: Meghann

Stay at home mommy, wife, daughter, sister and friend. This is my place to brag about my kids, my husband, my family, my friends... and to get a little opinionated.

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