It’s been a weird start to 2016.
That’s an understatement, I think.
My grandmother is not doing well. And while I was half expecting this to happen, there’s never a good time for these things to happen. She’s a HUGE part of my life, and this is hard. Thankfully, my mother and step father flew me to spend time with her and talk to her about what’s happening, and pretty much say whatever I needed to in order to “let her go.”
Part of me still thinks she’s going to get up and show us all how wrong we are. But that part of me is the kid inside who always thought her grandmother would outlive her. And that part is slowly fading, and growing up, and is feeling a bit lonely at the moment.
The night I came home, I stopped by the gym to pick up my folder for my third round of LoseIt. I’m really excited to be back at daily classes with the people I’ve come to know as my “Fitness Family.” But I’m gonna be completely honest… there’s A LOT of people in this round. Like 18 in the night class. And for someone like me, who doesn’t particularly enjoy large crowds, it was a bit overwhelming walking into that room that night. And I feel like I can’t really be myself (you know, the sassy me) because I don’t want to offend the new peeps. Starting this class is VERY intimidating (I remember), and it’s a HUGE step for some people. So I don’t want to come off as THAT girl in the class (although I did make some remark to a friend who wasn’t going to be there on Saturday along the lines of “well who am I supposed to compete against?” Oops.).
But we are in week 2 starting this week, and I am hoping that everyone is feeling a bit better about being there. And maybe we will start to see some personalities come out a bit and have a ton of fun. If my trainers are reading this: DODGEBALL. 😉 Just sayin.
I’m feeling a bit lost these days. I have class, and the kiddos, and am working on getting out with D some more. And that’s plenty to fill my heart. But I go through this every so often where I feel like I should be doing MORE. Three people have told me in the last few months that I would make a great personal trainer (HA!), so the thought of school popped into my head. But then I thought about how much time that would take (studying, classes – online or not, etc), and I pushed it in the back of my mind. It’s not IMPOSSIBLE, just not something I’m sure I can do right this minute. I may have to wait until next year when A is in pre-school.
I have my photography, which I really enjoy doing, but let’s face it. The weather is gross, and it’s right after Christmas, not a lot of people are interested right now. And that’s okay.
I have my running, which I am doing, and am loving it. But that doesn’t take up too much of my time, and while it makes my heart happy. It’s not quite what I’m looking for.
I don’t know what’s going on, honestly. I miss my girlfriends. We are all SO busy lately that it’s hard to get together, although we will see each other this Friday.
There’s just something MISSING. I need to do some soul-searching to find out what it is, and what’s going to help me feel better. I go through this when I “lose” someone. Whether it’s a permanent loss or temporary, I feel as though I have to fill that space with SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
Have you guys ever felt like that? What do YOU do in those situations?