I thought that maybe I would get the writing bug back. I thought that maybe by posting today, SOMETHING would come to mind to write about. Truth is, there’s a lot. But I haven’t sorted through all the shit that’s going on in my head to be able to write about it.
So I sat here. For ten minutes. And just started at my computer screen. Then I decided to just start writing. See what happens. And this is what’s coming out.
There’s a lot going on in my head. I get sucked in there, and sometimes it is REALLY hard to get out. A lot has happened over the last few weeks. My in-laws were in town (omg, glad they’re gone), O’s birthday happened, then we all got sick, then we were dealing with some serious behavioral issues, and then the accident with A. And OMG. That was just all the stuff going on with our little family. Pack onto that all the shit that’s been happening with extended family and well….
No wonder I wanted to get lost in my own head.
There are changes coming. I can see them, and I can feel the need to make them. And I’m always really good at making a plan. It’s the execution part that I have issues with. And boredom. If I get bored, well… I usually quit before I get truly started with something. So the goal is to make little changes. Baby steps in the right directions.
I will tell you all about everything that’s going on, has been going on, will be going on. But I gotta sort it all out first. And sitting down to just write was the first baby step. I miss my blog. I miss being able to say whatever I want and not hold back. I think that’s part of my problem… no outlet. So, in the spirit of that:
I need a fucking vacation. From my life. Not a permanent one, but just a little break from the lack of adult conversation, and that which is adult conversation is VERY limited, and often short tempered and grouchy. I need some ACTUAL alone time, not just time where A is sleeping and O is at school and there’s shit to do around the house, or exercise to do. But I don’t take it, because I feel a very large amount of guilt. That does not negate the fact that I need a vacation.
I love my life. I love my boys. I love the fact that I don’t have to go out and deal with the general public on a regular basis. That I can pick and choose who I spend my time with, and when I want to spend time with the people that I really, honestly make me feel like a crappy person. I love that I can help with O’s class sometimes, and I can go for school parties, and I love that I get to watch A grow up and change into a little kid right before my eyes. I love that I get the chance to spend the evenings with my little family, and that I don’t have to go to work. I have it made, make no mistake, I know that.
Doesn’t mean I don’t need a break sometimes. We all do.
A friend of mine spent the day at the beach this weekend. A whole day. Sunshine, beer, friends, water, just playing. I was so jealous. A day at the beach, just hanging out, in the sun and sand, and nothing to do but just BE. Yup. Sounds like the perfect day to me. A break.
THAT is honestly what I’m craving right now.