I’ve been accused, on several occasions, of living my life openly on the interwebs. And yes, there’s not a lot that I don’t share, or bitch about, or mention. Most of that is just process for me. A way to deal with inner turmoil, drama in my life, things I need to just vent about in order to move forward.
I stopped blogging. I started internalizing. I stopped talking to the people I care about. And now…. Here I am.
It’s been a very, VERY dark couple of days. The kind where I have to remind myself that there are two tiny humans that depend on their momma to wake up everyday. They care about much more than that, but they DEPEND on me to do that. And in all honesty? That has been the ONLY thing keeping me breathing the last few days.
This morning was the worst. A legit panic attack in the school parking lot that had me so paralyzed that I couldn’t drive. A moment where I was so short of breath that I actually thought I would take my last right then and there. It was the sounds of kicking in the backseat, and texts from D, that reminded me that I had to breathe.
To those who have never suffered (or admitted to suffering) from depression, I’m sure all of this sounds completely over-dramatic and ridiculous. And it is. Along with completely irrational, crazy making, and just simply stupid. Don’t misunderstand, I KNOW that. I realize how ridiculous it sounds.
I get to stay at home with my kids
My husband loves me
I do what I want with my time
I have family that loves me
I have friends who love me
I have a roof over my head
I have food on my table
I have clothes on my back
My kids and husband are provided for
You’d think I didn’t have anything in my life to be stressed about, upset about, worried about. You’d be wrong. And maybe, when I’m done looking through the glasses of despair, I will talk about the things I need to talk about. I will process the things I need to process. I will work through the shit that feels so completely helpless right now. I will make the changes that need to be made, and do the things I need to do.
Right now all I can muster is this blog post, letting you all know that I am still breathing. I am still fighting. I was kept safe today by the man I trust with my life. And when my kid came home from school and said “Mom, do you not feel well?” It was all I could do to fight back the tears that have been flowing all day. Progress is progress.