I haven’t blogged in quite a while. Life just got in the way, I guess.
Really, I’ve been in and out of a funk, pretty much all summer long. There are days when I’m super awesome, and days when I just do NOT want to get out of bed. But I do, and I muddle through the day, yelling at one kid while trying to get the other to stop crying long enough for me to figure out what’s going on. Day to day, I have no idea what day or time it is, what’s happening other than what my kids are doing, and I try to distract myself with the internet. I do some laundry, clean up the house a little bit, get the grocery shopping done…. But there just has been a dark little cloud following me around everywhere for the last few months.
A few days ago it kind of all came crashing down. The realization that this summer completely passed me by, and that school is starting soon. “Back to normal” I call it, like summer life isn’t “normal” around here. Pretty soon O will be walking down the halls of his school, trying to catch up with the friends he never saw over the summer. A and I will be out on the trail in the morning for our usual run, then back home for our “normal” routine of naptime/shower time and cleaning of the house. Me enjoying some quiet time, no video games, no cartoons, no Lego Movie on repeat.
What the hell have I been doing all summer?!?!
Like , why is it so hard for me to DO things with two kids?
“They” say the hardest transition is going from one kid to two. I believe that, shit, I’m LIVING it. There’s a crazy weird thing in my brain that I’m stuck in my house, that packing two kids up to go to the park, or the lake, or the bay, or even to the store is this giant hassle that hardly seems worth it most of the time. And let’s be real…. If I had a toddler and a baby, that would TOTALLY be the case. But this kid…
He’s HUGE. He is mostly self sufficient. And I don’t give him enough credit. In my mind he’s still a toddler, mostly because I refuse to believe that he’s going to be in first grade. He can walk without falling, feed himself, play with other kids without getting knocked over, can run and scream and jump (all of which he does at home ON A REGULAR BASIS). HE IS GOING TO BE IN FIRST GRADE. Jesus where did the time go….
And let’s be real. This kid has no freaking fear. He follows his big brother around wanting to mimic EVERY little thing he does. He would climb up that ladder and go down that slide if only his legs were long enough. He would wade into the water and swim all the way across that lake if he only knew how to doggie paddle. And he would swim to China and back if only I would let him. He is so adventurous that I can take him anywhere, and as long as no one tries to pick him up, he’s fine.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m still in a bit of a depressed state so I feel the need to stay close to home. Venturing out with my kids makes me nervous… What if I lose O? What if one of them gets hurt? What if, what if, what if…
This summer passed me by. It makes me sad. I wish we would have gone on more adventures, spent more time by the water in the sun, been more active. School starts in a little over two weeks. The weather is still nice, if on,y this little dark cloud would stop following me around…