My Hearth and Heart

Because my heart is always at home

On Being Submissive

5 Comments

My cousin, who just happens to be on the local news in Colorado, shared this article on Facebook this morning. Apparently they talked about it today during the show, and while I didn’t watch the show (cuz, hello, not in CO anymore), I did read a lot of the comments that were pouring in. Aside from the normal “this is news?” comments, and “make way for the feminists,” it was a pretty interesting read.

So, I opened the article and read it. Because how can I comment on something I haven’t read? I’m not one of those people. I try and educate myself as best I can before commenting, especially on things like this.

You may remember Candace Cameron Bure from her role on Full House as DJ Tanner. She is also the sister of Kirk Cameron who was on the popular show Growing Pains, and in 2012 made some pretty loud remarks about gay marriage. In this article, she talks about her marriage to hockey player Val Bure and how she takes a more “submissive” role in their marriage. Meaning that her husband is literally The Man of the house. She says she has a voice, and an opinion, but all the big decisions are left up to him. They’ve been married for 17 years.

It got me thinking. Because if you know D and I at all, it’s fairly obvious one of us is the sand and the other is the tank. I am just a more dominant personality, my voice is loud, my opinions strong, and I have NO filter or fear of what people might think of my opinion of something. My brother in law’s girlfriend made a joke recently about how I piss myself when I meet people because I’m SO shy. Exactly.

So it should come as no surprise to ANYONE that in our house, I speak my mind. And I can be known to be a bit bossy, ESPECIALLY when I’m expecting company. I’m in charge of what we eat, when we eat (unless he’s cooking, which happens sometimes), I make all the kids’ appointments, manage the family calendar, cleaning lists, bills, shopping, etc. However. When it comes to BiG decisions? Well…

Recently, there was discussion of building a house. I won’t go into too many of the details, but it didn’t work out. That whole thing? All him. It was his decision to push forward, he was in charge of handling things and talking to people. Did I have input? Yes. Did I voice my opinion? Yes. However, I did also say that whatever HE decided to do, I would back him up. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have said that. I would have pushed him to see things my way. Or I would have SAID it and still pushed him to see things my way.

There has also been a decision to go to Huntington Beach in December of this year. Again, that was all him. Not that I’m opposed to it, because I’m SO not… But he made the decision to book the hotel, and I didn’t argue, or try to logic him out of it. It may not seem like a big decision for some people, but for us it is. And I’m completely on board with trying to make that happen for us.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is this: I’ve done our marriage a lot of ways, being in charge, taking a somewhat backseat role, and doing the whole 50/50 thing. I’ve found that letting him be in charge about some of the bigger things has a two-fold effect on our marriage. I don’t feel as stressed about things, and he feels like he’s taking charge, being a provider, he feels that he has input in our lives… Which HE SHOULD, it’s his life, too. Does that mean that I am being submissive in the biblical sense of the word? I don’t think so. I feel like our marriage is more 50/50 than one of us being The Man. There are things he’s in charge of, and things I am. And while we DO have a very 1950s lifestyle (meaning he goes to work and I stay home), I DON’T feel like my opinion or voice is ever unheard. Nor do I feel like I’m submissive in any way.

I applaud Candace for writing about what makes her marriage work. She is a woman of God, and that’s cool, it’s what works for her and her family. She feels that taking the biblical stance of a submissive wife is what works for her. She doesn’t feel stifled or repressed, so I can’t knock her choices. Reading about it did make me think about my marriage and what roles we play, and how much we have changed in the last few years. At one time I would have agreed with the tank and sand analogy…

Now I’m not so sure.

What’s it like in YOUR relationships? Do you find that one person has more say than another? I’m very curious to know what you think when you take a step back and look at it. For those who have been together for a long time, what makes it work when it comes to your relationship, and how has it changed since the beginning? Let’s talk about it!!!

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Author: Meghann

Stay at home mommy, wife, daughter, sister and friend. This is my place to brag about my kids, my husband, my family, my friends... and to get a little opinionated.

5 thoughts on “On Being Submissive

  1. My mother/father practiced the Biblical version and so does mother/step-father now. They don’t seem to be upset by it, although plenty of people get wound up about the entire idea.

    Wife and I, it’s more of a 50/50 thing for the most part. I handle most money matters (for worse, because I’m kinda bad at money, but good at life-planning like large purchases, insurance, etc…), but for almost everything else we talk, talk, talk, talk. If she’s adamant about something, I won’t do it, whereas in my mother/step-father’s household, if he really thinks they should do something, she’ll back off and say ok, so there’s the difference.

    Marriage is fucking hard. I say, whatever works for you, is awesome. If it helps you both feel fulfilled, happy, engaged, and exited, then rock on.

    • What I just don’t like to see is when someone is UNWILLINGLY suppressed. That’s a problem.

      • Right, that’s a MAJOR issue. And that’s what I guess people get upset about? I don’t know. To me, there’s a complete difference between giving up “control” in your marriage, and being suppressed.

        Both my sets of parents are pretty equal partners in their respective marriages. Although, like you and I, certain things fall to one or the other as “their” responsibility. But it seems to work for them as well.

        I just found it really interesting to look back at my own marriage, and how I used to be SO right ALL THE TIME OMG LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW BECUAS I AM ALWAYS RIGHT AND WE WILL DO THINGS MY WAY. And I’m SO not like that anymore.

      • From all that I’ve seen, that’s a good sign of maturity in relationships, when you realize that the other person is an equal contributor, and you and they see-saw back and forth over issues to the mutual benefit of both. But you’re right, if you are a strong personality (or worse, if the other person is a very weak personality), it can be difficult at best to learn how to do that without feeling like you’re being shoved into a closet.

  2. I think that the big point is choice. If you are choosing to let somebody else make the big decisions, that’s one thing. If you’re constantly being set aside for them to make the decision for you, then you’re going to end up resentful and unhappy.

    For me, if I’m choosing to let somebody else make the decisions, i’m happier that way because it takes stress off my back. I prefer to take a more submissive role in a relationship. That said, I also make my opinions known (usually) and I expect my input to be valued and considered and I won’t do it for all decisions.

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