“Grief never ends… But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It is the price of love.” -Author Unknown-
It’s been two years and four days.
This time of year always did this to me before it happened, and since then it hits me even harder. Last year was really hard… There were other issues on top of our loss. This year, I seem to be the only one effected… Which is probably a good thing,
We tried for three years. It just wasn’t happening. They say the minute you stop trying to do anything, it happens. Pregnancy is no different. We weren’t in the most perfect of spots in life, but we wanted to give O a little one. I knew before I was even supposed to know.
I wasn’t that far along. Far enough that I knew a few days beforehand that something wasn’t right. I would feel normal, then very pregnant, then normal again. I had small cramps, backaches, I was kind of a mess. I just knew. I knew it wasn’t right.
I think that helped, at the time. Or maybe I was in shock for longer than I thought. Or maybe denial. I don’t know. It hurt, emotionally. And when I got pregnant with A, it terrified me. I was afraid history would repeat itself… And this time of year rolled around last year, and all was good. And six months later, our healthy baby A was born.
I am so thankful for A. I wouldn’t trade him for the world (O, too).
But this time of year will always stir up feelings of grief and sadness for me. It will pass. I will get through it…
But for now, being a mess is the price I pay for love and loss.