It may come to no surprise to people who know me really well (and some that don’t) that I am an emotional human being. I may, or may not, on occasion tend to get a little over zealous in the way I react to things. Unfortunately for those closest to me (you know who you are), they tend to hear about it for days and sometimes even feel the brunt of my emotional breakdowns. Most of the time, I will vent about something for a few days, obsess, and then get over it and move on. There are times, however, when I just can’t let shit go. Last night was one of those times. I’m not even really sure WHY I was so mad, but MAN was I angry.
This morning? I’m feeling a bit more hopeful. A little less stabby, and a bit more like things could actually turn out okay. That doesn’t mean that the thought of dealing with this particular situation doesn’t make me hyperventilate a little bit. I don’t tend to get anxious about my feelings, or expressing them, or dealing with them openly… but for some reason, I’m SUPER nervous.
It’s no secret to anyone who has read my archives that there is some tension in “the family.” It goes back MANY years, about five or so, and I will be the first one to admit that it was completely legit… AT THE TIME. Mistakes were made, judgements were cast, and it created a sense of mistrust in many relationships. Most of those have been mended. It took a lot of time, and some patience on my part (I’m a “fix it now” kind of person), but I feel like those relationships are stronger now than they were before. Not only because I feel like I’ve proven myself, but because we are all a little older, wiser, and more mature. And people do change, I am a firm believer in that.
I have my own issues. And maybe all of this is a manifestation of those issues within my own family. A need for approval from someone who I was once close to, the memories of a relationship that once was close and is no longer, I don’t know. What I DO know is that major life changes are happening on all ends, and we are ALL missing out.
So, I extended an olive branch. Because I honestly feel like neither “side” has given the other a chance. Opinions have been formed (not gonna lie), and most of me feels like those opinions have been based on half truths. Because let’s face it, people DO change, I know I have. And sometimes what you think you know isn’t always the case anymore. And what you may have been told about a person isn’t always the whole truth.
I hope that I’m taken seriously. I honestly would love for that relationship (old and new) to be mended. I would love for my boys to not have the same issues that I have, for them to KNOW their family, and have a lasting relationship with them. And if I’m not? Well, I did everything I could…
*I realize this post is vague and there are people who HATE that, but at the risk of fucking everything up before it even gets going, specifics were left out. I did, however, just want to put my feelings out there mostly just because it makes me feel better.