There is something about having a miscarriage and getting pregnant again that you just cannot explain to people that haven’t been there. There is a fear that lingers, even after you feel that you’ve “dealt with all of the emotions” surrounding the miscarriage. You know that most of what goes on inside you is out of your control, but you still do everything you can on the outside to make sure the baby is safe, and makes it into this world. If it is your second/third/fourth pregnancy, every little thing that is different from the first freaks you out, and every feeling that feels similar to your miscarriage sends you into a spiraling panic that you find very hard to get out of. Logic is irrelevant, deep breathing is useless, and all you want is for your pregnancy to be over so this baby is safe in your arms.
So, imagine all that anxiety that you may already have, and double it due to genetics. Anxiety ridden people on both sides of the family, logical worriers on one side and out of control panic attacks on the other. Triple it due to a slight issue with your pregnancy, something that is common, and usually fixes itself, but still out of your control. Imagine triple the anxiety, and that’s what I’m going through.
Most days I’m pretty okay. Most days I relax as much as I can because I am well aware of the effects stress can have on a pregnancy. Thank goodness those freaky genes also include low blood pressure or I’d be screwed. But somedays, I feel myself spiraling out of control into an anxiety so deep I don’t know that I can pull myself out of it. And it usually takes a few days, or sometimes even a trip to my midwives just to hear baby’s heartbeat to make sure he’s still okay.
Last night I had convinced myself there was something going on. I tossed and turned all night, and woke up at three am with a very dark cloud surrounding me. I hadn’t felt Baby all day, which I realize is actually really normal. Again, normal is a foreign concept to me. People don’t understand how reassuring it is to feel baby moving around, even to first time mommas. At three am, even with the flutters in my tummy, I was convinced something was wrong with baby.
I need to stop doing this to myself. I need to find a distraction to keep me same from appointment to appointment. It’s stressful enough trying to bake a baby, I shouldn’t be adding to it.
I tell myself all of those things every single day. I’m sure everything is okay. But the fear lingers, and until Baby is in my arms, it won’t go away. No matter what I do.